What Do United Methodists REALLY Believe About…Divorce and Re-Marriage?

Matthew 19: 1 – 11 & Luke 20: 27 – 36
September 13, 2009

INTRO: joke- One man was talking to another, and he related a story about mixing up his words: “I meant to say “please pass the salt and pepper” and I said “please salt the pepper”
Second guy says, “That happened to me just the other day too! I meant to say to my wife “please pass the butter” and instead I said, “You ruined my life, you miserable woman!”

OR: Things You Don’t Say To Your Wife

Denni, in helping me select hymns on today’s theme, suggested, “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen”

My purpose in this message is three-fold, and pretty far-reaching: one, to discuss the Biblical view of divorce and re-marriage; two, to talk about the Methodist way, as it pertains to divorce, re-marriage, and relationships; and three, to give some practical and necessary tips on how to improve your relationship, whether married, engaged, dating, or even single. Now, I may fail to fully address these, but this may be a needed tool (especially the last one) for healing to occur in your relationships, whether they are at the stage of engagement, marriage, or even divorce.

First, some statistics:
- we’ve often heard that the divorce rate is about 50%. That is true, but kind of misleading: of all the couples getting married this year, statistically about one in three will end in divorce; those rates are higher if you are of lower income, marry at a younger age, have a child prior to marriage, or cohabitate prior to marriage.
- A couple of more startling facts: the number one predictor of divorce? A previous divorce, either by the person or their parents. One study showed that if a person and their spouse came from a family touched by divorce, and they in turn had been married and divorced, there was a 189% chance that any future marriage would end in divorce as well!
- The number two predictor of divorce? Living together before marriage (which previously-divorced people are more than twice as likely to do).
- And I think the only thing even more startling than the divorce rates is this: active faith has a negligible effect on divorce. In a recent Barna Research Group poll, those who considered themselves “Born Again” were just as likely to experience divorce as not, and MORESO than reporting atheists!
- While it may be alarming to discover that born again Christians are more likely than others to experience a divorce, that pattern has been in place for quite some time. Even more disturbing, perhaps, is that when people experience a divorce many of them feel their community of faith provides rejection rather than support and healing. This calls into serious question how effective churches are in ministering to families. The ultimate responsibility for a marriage belongs to the husband and wife, but the high incidence of divorce within the Christian community challenges the idea that churches provide practical and life-changing support for marriages and families." - Barna

So how does the Bible view divorce and re-marriage?
1. Marriage (and divorce) have, from the beginning, been understood as a picture of the relationship between GOD and God’s PEOPLE.
- Jeremiah 3 paints a pretty clear picture: God accuses the Israelites of running after prostitutes, and then trying to return to Him. He says, “if a man divorces a woman, and she goes and marries someone else, he would not take her back again.”
- the Psalmist, in Psalm 45, writes fluidly of the daughter of God being anointed with the oil of joy, and being a bride, “glorious in her golden gown.”
- Jesus couched one of his final messages to His disciples in this language: in John 14 when he spoke to his disciples of “in my father’s house there are many rooms. I am going to prepare a place for you.”
- In Revelation, the imagery is vivid: Christ is the bridegroom, and the church is the bride “adorned for her husband”, and the end of time is a great wedding feast.

And so we can see why God feels this way about divorce:
The Bible is unambiguous: God HATES divorce. (malachi 2)
- but make no mistake about it: God does not proclaim his hatred for divorce because he wants to beat those who follow him over the head with a dogmatic and unyielding dictum to stay married or else; in fact, it is quite the opposite: God hates divorce because He knows first-hand the pain, the confusion, and the misery that divorce can cause. He wants to do all He can to keep his children from having to endure the awful pain and grief of divorce. It has been said that a divorce is like a death in the family, except there is no graveside over which one may weep, and the deceased person is still walking around, and ultimately you realize the deceased person is more IN you than OUTSIDE of you.

Yes, God hates divorce, but God also hates for his children to live in a state of armed truce!

The Bible is also seemingly against re-marriage: many times, including in some of the passages in your study guide, the Bible makes the connection between re-marriage and adultery. While there are some Biblical reasons a person may divorce (for marital unfaithfulness, and if the spouse is an unbeliever and leaves), re-marriage seems to be forbidden.
- is this because God doesn’t want people to find happiness? Not at all! But this was said in a cultural context where MEN could divorce their wife (not other way around!) by either saying it three times, or writing it on a piece of paper. Jesus’ words were to condemn the injustice of this practice, “because of your hard hearts” and to stem the tide of “divorces” that were really just conveniences, leaving women and children in the lurch!

There is an aspect to families and marriage that is a part of community. Our culture has gotten away from the idea that it is families coming together when a couple is married. Remarriage can be, if done right, a way to heal a family. A friend of Denni’s from Nigeria said that Americans view marriage as a Walmart purchase – if you don’t like it send it back. He said that if he were to mistreat his wife, his family would be the one to take care of her and he would be out of the family. A person who has gone through a divorce has lost a part of their family. Through remarriage, if done right, lives can be restored. Ultimately, this is the goal of a Christian life.

The Methodist Way:
God's plan is for lifelong, faithful marriage. The church must be on the forefront of premarital and postmarital counseling in order to create and preserve strong marriages. However, when a married couple is estranged beyond reconciliation, even after thoughtful consideration and counsel, divorce is a regrettable alternative in the midst of brokenness. We grieve over the devastating emotional, spiritual, and economic consequences of divorce for all involved, understanding that women and especially children are disproportionately impacted by such burdens. As the church we are concerned about high divorce rates. It is recommended that methods of mediation be used to minimize the adversarial nature and fault-finding that are often part of our current judicial processes.
Although divorce publicly declares that a marriage no longer exists, other covenantal relationships resulting from the marriage remain, such as the nurture and support of children and extended family ties. We urge respectful negotiations in deciding the custody of minor children and support the consideration of either or both parents for this responsibility in that custody not be reduced to financial support, control, or manipulation and retaliation. The welfare of each child is the most important consideration.
Divorce does not preclude a new marriage. We encourage an intentional commitment of the Church and society to minister compassionately to those in the process of divorce, as well as members of divorced and remarried families, in a community of faith where God’s grace is shared by all.
From The Book of Discipline of The United Methodist Church, par. 161C
How do we recommend this?
CELIBACY in singleness, FIDELITY in marriage.
If you are single, guard your heart, mind, and body for marriage. There is a trend, even among Christians, to adopt the cultural acceptance of “try it before you buy it” cohabitation: Many couples move in together thinking that this is a “trial-run” for marriage. And statistically, 55% of those who move in together get married in the first 5 years of cohabitation. But 40% break up. And here is the startling fact: 80% of cohabitating couples who later marry end in divorce. And there is NO WAY of counting how many couples who live together, while initially intending this to be the next step toward marriage, end up breaking up and moving out. Why is this? Experts say that it has to do with the differing views of the purpose of living together: generally, a woman’s view is that this is the next step in moving towards marriage, while the man’s view is that this is to SEE if we’re ready for that next step, meanwhile getting all the “benefits” of living together. Meanwhile, both are keeping one foot in and one foot out of the relationship.

So how do you stay together?
1. WORK at it – What are YOUR highest needs in your relationship? What would you say your spouse’s highest needs are in your relationship? I would say if you can’t answer those, we’ve got a lot of work to do! The truth is, we all have needs in our relationships, and if those needs go unaddressed or unmet, it leads to greater and greater dissatisfaction, and distance, between people.
When your mate shares a relational need, he reveals a deep part about himself. You begin to deeply understand what he or she needs in order to feel cared for and loved. Understanding is knowledge and knowledge is powerful.
• Once you know what your mate needs then you can act upon that knowledge.
• As you gain the right knowledge and take action to meet your mate’s needs, this promotes security and trust in the relationship.
• Conflict in a marriage is inevitable. But if relational needs are getting met then the conflict usually is not as intensive or gets resolved faster.
• The essence of honor is making someone feel like his or her needs and wants are important and valuable.

So what do I do, pastor, if it’s too late? I say, if you have endured the pain of divorce, if you have gone through the painful ending of a dream, one day at a time, sometimes for years, I can say that I am sorry. I am sorry that you have had to endure that pain and sorrow, that brokenness. But I can tell you that our God is a god who does not waste a hurt; he does not allow suffering without meaning.