What Do United Methodists REALLY Believe About…Divorce and Re-Marriage?

Matthew 19: 1 – 11 & Luke 20: 27 – 36
September 13, 2009

INTRO: joke- One man was talking to another, and he related a story about mixing up his words: “I meant to say “please pass the salt and pepper” and I said “please salt the pepper”
Second guy says, “That happened to me just the other day too! I meant to say to my wife “please pass the butter” and instead I said, “You ruined my life, you miserable woman!”

OR: Things You Don’t Say To Your Wife

Denni, in helping me select hymns on today’s theme, suggested, “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen”

My purpose in this message is three-fold, and pretty far-reaching: one, to discuss the Biblical view of divorce and re-marriage; two, to talk about the Methodist way, as it pertains to divorce, re-marriage, and relationships; and three, to give some practical and necessary tips on how to improve your relationship, whether married, engaged, dating, or even single. Now, I may fail to fully address these, but this may be a needed tool (especially the last one) for healing to occur in your relationships, whether they are at the stage of engagement, marriage, or even divorce.

First, some statistics:
- we’ve often heard that the divorce rate is about 50%. That is true, but kind of misleading: of all the couples getting married this year, statistically about one in three will end in divorce; those rates are higher if you are of lower income, marry at a younger age, have a child prior to marriage, or cohabitate prior to marriage.
- A couple of more startling facts: the number one predictor of divorce? A previous divorce, either by the person or their parents. One study showed that if a person and their spouse came from a family touched by divorce, and they in turn had been married and divorced, there was a 189% chance that any future marriage would end in divorce as well!
- The number two predictor of divorce? Living together before marriage (which previously-divorced people are more than twice as likely to do).
- And I think the only thing even more startling than the divorce rates is this: active faith has a negligible effect on divorce. In a recent Barna Research Group poll, those who considered themselves “Born Again” were just as likely to experience divorce as not, and MORESO than reporting atheists!
- While it may be alarming to discover that born again Christians are more likely than others to experience a divorce, that pattern has been in place for quite some time. Even more disturbing, perhaps, is that when people experience a divorce many of them feel their community of faith provides rejection rather than support and healing. This calls into serious question how effective churches are in ministering to families. The ultimate responsibility for a marriage belongs to the husband and wife, but the high incidence of divorce within the Christian community challenges the idea that churches provide practical and life-changing support for marriages and families." - Barna

So how does the Bible view divorce and re-marriage?
1. Marriage (and divorce) have, from the beginning, been understood as a picture of the relationship between GOD and God’s PEOPLE.
- Jeremiah 3 paints a pretty clear picture: God accuses the Israelites of running after prostitutes, and then trying to return to Him. He says, “if a man divorces a woman, and she goes and marries someone else, he would not take her back again.”
- the Psalmist, in Psalm 45, writes fluidly of the daughter of God being anointed with the oil of joy, and being a bride, “glorious in her golden gown.”
- Jesus couched one of his final messages to His disciples in this language: in John 14 when he spoke to his disciples of “in my father’s house there are many rooms. I am going to prepare a place for you.”
- In Revelation, the imagery is vivid: Christ is the bridegroom, and the church is the bride “adorned for her husband”, and the end of time is a great wedding feast.

And so we can see why God feels this way about divorce:
The Bible is unambiguous: God HATES divorce. (malachi 2)
- but make no mistake about it: God does not proclaim his hatred for divorce because he wants to beat those who follow him over the head with a dogmatic and unyielding dictum to stay married or else; in fact, it is quite the opposite: God hates divorce because He knows first-hand the pain, the confusion, and the misery that divorce can cause. He wants to do all He can to keep his children from having to endure the awful pain and grief of divorce. It has been said that a divorce is like a death in the family, except there is no graveside over which one may weep, and the deceased person is still walking around, and ultimately you realize the deceased person is more IN you than OUTSIDE of you.

Yes, God hates divorce, but God also hates for his children to live in a state of armed truce!

The Bible is also seemingly against re-marriage: many times, including in some of the passages in your study guide, the Bible makes the connection between re-marriage and adultery. While there are some Biblical reasons a person may divorce (for marital unfaithfulness, and if the spouse is an unbeliever and leaves), re-marriage seems to be forbidden.
- is this because God doesn’t want people to find happiness? Not at all! But this was said in a cultural context where MEN could divorce their wife (not other way around!) by either saying it three times, or writing it on a piece of paper. Jesus’ words were to condemn the injustice of this practice, “because of your hard hearts” and to stem the tide of “divorces” that were really just conveniences, leaving women and children in the lurch!

There is an aspect to families and marriage that is a part of community. Our culture has gotten away from the idea that it is families coming together when a couple is married. Remarriage can be, if done right, a way to heal a family. A friend of Denni’s from Nigeria said that Americans view marriage as a Walmart purchase – if you don’t like it send it back. He said that if he were to mistreat his wife, his family would be the one to take care of her and he would be out of the family. A person who has gone through a divorce has lost a part of their family. Through remarriage, if done right, lives can be restored. Ultimately, this is the goal of a Christian life.

The Methodist Way:
God's plan is for lifelong, faithful marriage. The church must be on the forefront of premarital and postmarital counseling in order to create and preserve strong marriages. However, when a married couple is estranged beyond reconciliation, even after thoughtful consideration and counsel, divorce is a regrettable alternative in the midst of brokenness. We grieve over the devastating emotional, spiritual, and economic consequences of divorce for all involved, understanding that women and especially children are disproportionately impacted by such burdens. As the church we are concerned about high divorce rates. It is recommended that methods of mediation be used to minimize the adversarial nature and fault-finding that are often part of our current judicial processes.
Although divorce publicly declares that a marriage no longer exists, other covenantal relationships resulting from the marriage remain, such as the nurture and support of children and extended family ties. We urge respectful negotiations in deciding the custody of minor children and support the consideration of either or both parents for this responsibility in that custody not be reduced to financial support, control, or manipulation and retaliation. The welfare of each child is the most important consideration.
Divorce does not preclude a new marriage. We encourage an intentional commitment of the Church and society to minister compassionately to those in the process of divorce, as well as members of divorced and remarried families, in a community of faith where God’s grace is shared by all.
From The Book of Discipline of The United Methodist Church, par. 161C
How do we recommend this?
CELIBACY in singleness, FIDELITY in marriage.
If you are single, guard your heart, mind, and body for marriage. There is a trend, even among Christians, to adopt the cultural acceptance of “try it before you buy it” cohabitation: Many couples move in together thinking that this is a “trial-run” for marriage. And statistically, 55% of those who move in together get married in the first 5 years of cohabitation. But 40% break up. And here is the startling fact: 80% of cohabitating couples who later marry end in divorce. And there is NO WAY of counting how many couples who live together, while initially intending this to be the next step toward marriage, end up breaking up and moving out. Why is this? Experts say that it has to do with the differing views of the purpose of living together: generally, a woman’s view is that this is the next step in moving towards marriage, while the man’s view is that this is to SEE if we’re ready for that next step, meanwhile getting all the “benefits” of living together. Meanwhile, both are keeping one foot in and one foot out of the relationship.

So how do you stay together?
1. WORK at it – What are YOUR highest needs in your relationship? What would you say your spouse’s highest needs are in your relationship? I would say if you can’t answer those, we’ve got a lot of work to do! The truth is, we all have needs in our relationships, and if those needs go unaddressed or unmet, it leads to greater and greater dissatisfaction, and distance, between people.
When your mate shares a relational need, he reveals a deep part about himself. You begin to deeply understand what he or she needs in order to feel cared for and loved. Understanding is knowledge and knowledge is powerful.
• Once you know what your mate needs then you can act upon that knowledge.
• As you gain the right knowledge and take action to meet your mate’s needs, this promotes security and trust in the relationship.
• Conflict in a marriage is inevitable. But if relational needs are getting met then the conflict usually is not as intensive or gets resolved faster.
• The essence of honor is making someone feel like his or her needs and wants are important and valuable.

So what do I do, pastor, if it’s too late? I say, if you have endured the pain of divorce, if you have gone through the painful ending of a dream, one day at a time, sometimes for years, I can say that I am sorry. I am sorry that you have had to endure that pain and sorrow, that brokenness. But I can tell you that our God is a god who does not waste a hurt; he does not allow suffering without meaning.

Getting it Right: Do Not Commit Adultery

Matthew 5.27-32, 1 Cor 7.1-7 October 17, 2010

INTRO: So Moses comes down from Mt. Sinai and announces to the Israelites: I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, I’ve talked him down from 22 to 10 commandments. The bad news is, adultery’s still in!

ADULTERY! It’s all the rage now! Birds do it, bees do it, tigers do it, Titans do it; politicians, actors, motorcycle builders. The list goes on and on. And it’s nothing new; every culture in every age has had to deal with adultery.

According to the Bible, adultery is punishable by death (Leviticus 20:10)

- in some muslim countries today, adultery is STILL punishable by death; they in fact will stone the person (though usually only the woman) caught in adultery.

The POSITIVE principle: Marriage is sacred

- remember the meaning of the word sacred: set apart, of a different sort or kind altogether. That means that marriage is unlike any other relationship; it is set apart, it is different entirely

- that is different from what the culture tells us about marriage: that it is disposable, inconvenient, and not worth the paper it is written on! If you don't like it, toss it!

- But here's the problem: marriage was instituted of God, a covenant between two people for life. Why? Well, for one thing, according to the creation account, we need each other; we complete each other. For another instance, the marriage covenant was given to us so that we might be able to better understand the covenant between God and His people.

- This is another one of the ten commandments that, on the surface, most of us can say, “I’ve never committed adultery!” But I say, "not so fast!"

We commit adultery first with our minds (Matt 5:27-32) and our hearts (Matt 15:19)

- every activity below the waist has been initiated above the neck!

- And when Jesus said that if we lust after someone, it is adultery, he immediately condemned a full 50% of the population!

We commit adultery with our bodies

- our bodies belong to God (temple of holy spirit) 1 cor 6:19-20

- our bodies belong to our spouse 1 cor 7: 4-5: The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. ⁵ Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

We commit adultery with our spirits

- by worshipping false gods (Ex 34:16, ps 106:39, Isaiah 57:7, Jeremiah 3) and idols; giving our time, attention, and energy to an image. You say, "I've never done that!" But what do you call pornography? It is giving time, attention, and energy to an image!

- Story of Hosea: God told the prophet Hosea to marry a prostitute, Gomer; And while Hosea loved Gomer, she would return to the brothel again and again. And again and again Hosea would go back and get her, taking her back to his home. The people (good, church-going people) were mortified at this, asking why their preacher would have anything to do with a WHORE. And God replied: that is how God's people have treated HIM: running off to worship false gods, images that promise things they cannot possibly deliver on.

It is obvious, though, that in the breaking of the covenant, great damage occurs:

but the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys himself (proverbs 6:32)

2 allowable divorces: unfaithfulness (Matt. 19:9) and abandonment

example of adultery: David and Bathsheba (Ps 51; 2 Sam 11)

The NEED difference (from Men’s Fraternity)

Women need: Men need:

- affection - sex

- security (emotional) - security (physical)

- conversational companionship - activity companionship

- significance - significance

Men need:

- women to understand that the sex drive is powerful, persistent, and…normal; sex is to us what affection is to you: my #1 need; and here’s the real rub: real sexual fulfillment for me is impossible unless I can sexually fulfill you

o husbands need physical intimacy to feel close to their wives, but wives need emotional security/closeness to feel like having physical intimacy with their husbands

Why is adultery attractive? It meets our unmet need(s)

- we often trade one need for the acquisition of another: (why do men pay for sex? Trade physical security for sexual affection) (women get emotional security from someone, and trade physical affection for it)

- when we are not getting our needs met at home, in the marriage, we are tempted to get them met elsewhere; whether those needs are physical or emotional

What if it’s too late?

What to do when sexually tempted? RUN!!! 1 Cor 6:18

Woman caught in adultery – John 8:1-11 a good ending story!

Getting It Right: Do Not Murder

Getting It Right with God and Neighbor: Thou Shalt Not Murder

October 10, 2010 – Genesis 4.1-16

Today we talk about murder. And it seems that murder is the pinnacle of the ten commandments in OUR eyes. In a recent poll, over 90% of Americans said they believed in the Ten commandments; but only 30% could name more than four. The one they almost ALL named? Thou shalt not KILL.

I am fond of asking, do you think you’re a good person? And the almost UNIVERSAL response is, “Well, I haven’t KILLED anybody…”

And yet, even in the news this week, we have been inundated with stories of killing: a Rogers man who wanted to commit suicide, and when police intervened, he was shot dead. Ironic? At least two people at Bikes, Blues, and BBQ last week were killed on their motorcycles. Carelessness?

And a woman and her accomplice were finally arrested after an almost 20 year investigation into her mother-in-law’s death.

Well, just like all the commandments, this commandment is not just a prohibition against something, but affirms something sacred. This commandment affirms that life is sacred.

o Genesis 2 – God created life and breathed into us HIS breath; we are created in God’s image

o We just heard the story of the FIRST murder; it was a murder borne of jealosy and premeditation; the definition of murder

o God in many places gives the rationale for justice killing: for many of the broken laws in Leviticus; for capturing the land God has promised;

o but NOWHERE does He give license to kill for personal gain or personal justice. The first prohibition against murder is found in Genesis 9:6: If anyone takes a human life, that person’s life will also be taken by human hands. For God made human beings in his own image. In Exodus 21:24, it expands on the commandment to say, an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. This means you can ONLY harm someone up to the manner in which YOU have been harmed!

o And then Jesus gives us the command to turn the other cheek in Matthew 5:38. So we can demonstrate that

o Job 12:10 For the life of every living thing is in his hand,
and the breath of every human being.

There are different kinds of murder: premeditated, willful murder; murder of self (suicide or self-abuse); murder of character, willful murder of Christ

You say, “I’ve never killed anybody!” But the Bible says…

You murder when you use words in anger.

• Matthew 5:21-22 (The Message) You're familiar with the command to the ancients, 'Do not murder.' I'm telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder. Carelessly call a brother 'idiot!' and you just might find yourself hauled into court. Thoughtlessly yell 'stupid!' at a sister and you are on the brink of hellfire. The simple moral fact is that words kill.
• There are all kinds of ways we can kill someone with the tongue; by slander; assassination of character; by gossip; and I hate to say it, but we in the church are the WORST at it! We baptize it in terms of concern and “prayer requests” but then we blab the most intimate details (some true, some questionable – we’ll get to that on the week we talk about “bearing false witness”) and in the end, the person is “so embarrassed they could die!”
• My rule is simple: if I am not a part of the problem, or a part of the solution, stay out of it! And if it is a concern, it is not YOURS to tell; it is THEIRS.
• Proverbs 18:21 The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.

"There are three degrees of murderous guilt, all of which can be manifested without a blow being struck: secret anger, the spiteful jeer; the open, unrestrained outbursts of violent, abusive speech." – Canon Farrar, Canon of Westminster

The second way we murder: self-murder.

You murder when you abuse your body.

and we abuse our bodies in many ways: smoking, food, over-indulgence in things like alcohol; an over-dependence on prescription drugs; dangerous sexual behaviors, risk-taking “thrill-seeking” activities; elective surgeries for vanity’s sake; lack of SLEEP, lack of EXERCISE. Despite the incredible advances in medical technology, we are sicker now than we have ever been, and many of our illnesses and injuries are SELF-inflicted!

A woman had tried everything to lose weight – diet, exercise, appetite-suppressing pills, all to no avail. Finally she found something that worked: she attached a fold-out picture of a beautiful, thin, shapely woman, dressed in a string bikini, on her refrigerator door. Every time she was tempted to snack, the picture of what she might become was a powerful deterrent. During the first month she lost ten pounds – but her husband gained twenty!

Don’t dig your grave with a knife and fork!

o 1 Corinthians 6: 19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself,

- The question often arises concerning suicide; and the Catholic church for a long time (though they don’t now) taught that suicide was a fast-track to hell. But I wonder how God feels about the suicides that are undertaken over the course of years and years of self-abuse?

And lastly, one we don’t often associate with murder:

You murder when you SIN.

o Hebrews 6:4-6 ⁴ For it is impossible to bring back to repentance those who were once enlightened—those who have experienced the good things of heaven and shared in the Holy Spirit, ⁵ who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the power of the age to come—⁶ and who then turn away from God. It is impossible to bring such people back to repentance; by rejecting the Son of God, they themselves are nailing him to the cross once again and holding him up to public shame.

o Now, this verse does not pertain to unbelievers; Christ died once for all for sinners, and he did so out of His great love for humanity. The problem is in this: quite often the it is the so-called saints who are sinning worse than the sinners that sin! And the Bible is very clear: each time you turn your back on God, on HIS work in your life and heart, and willfully reject Him by your actions and attitudes, you are driving the nails in his hands and feet AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN. You say you’re not a murderer; well think again!

As wicked as murder is, it will not send you to heaven or hell. Rejecting Christ will. Jesus died for your sins. He paid the full price for your disobedience. He offers his finished work to you. He offers you forgiveness, adoption as children of God, and eternal life in heaven. To reject Christ right now is the equivalent of crucifying him again. That is the only sin which God will not allow to pass in silence.

Keeping the Sabbath HOLY Sermon from September 26, 2010

Getting It Right with God and Neighbor: Remembering the Sabbath
Exodus 20:8; Mark 6.31-56 September 26, 2010

Key Verse: Exodus 20:8
Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.

Did you ever have a day like that? A day when you give, and give, and there's still someone with their hand out, wanting MORE? The day where you escape to the bathroom, for just a minute's peace, and you hear, knock knock knock, "hey dad, what you doin? Dad, dad, dad, you in there, what you DO-in?"
All Jesus wanted, both for him, and his disciples, is to get away and rest. Get some food. And they just couldn't get away! They tried to go to the other side of the lake, but the people followed him around, on the shore, and got there ahead of him! And as soon as he stepped off the boat, they wanted something from him. Then, after working all day, the disciples come to him and want him to send them away, for they were STILL hungry. So Jesus performs another miracle with the loaves and fishes, and there were 12 basketfulls of blessing left over. Then, he FINALLY sends everyone away, goes up the hillside to be with his Father. And the MOMENT he comes down, his disciples need him again to rescue them. So he walks across the water and saves them...AGAIN.

This sermon is all about sabbath - it is the Hebrew word for CEASE.

Eugene Peterson: The Most difficult command to keep, a most difficult practice to cultivate. It is one of the most abused and distorted practices of the Christians life.

What Sabbath is NOT:
- just a day off! If you are like most Americans, you take this “day off” and fill it with MORE than enough activity to make you more tired than you are if you had actually gone to work! “well, we’ve got a ball game at 1, and a tee time at 3, and I have to mow the lawn, and we’re having supper with his parents, and the kids have to finish their homework before they go to bed, and oh, I have this load of laundry that HAS to be done, and oh, yeah, I’m not going to be able to make Sunday School because I promised I would bring dessert, and that’s the only time I have to make something…
- while I can’t prove it with hard statistical data, I have to believe that one of the primary reasons that we in America are having more fatigue-related health problems, including depression, anxiety, hypertension, ulcers, muscle and joint pain, insomnia, and hormonal irregularities, just to name a few, is that we are ignoring our need for Sabbath; and even as I say that, I know that many of you are saying, “well, that’s true, and I’ve experienced most of those things on your list, but I don’t have the luxury of choosing to just plop down and rest…” WHO SAYS?!?

What the Sabbath is:
Sabbath is a day set apart
o Why would God choose one day in particular to require His people to pause; to take time-out? After all, they were on a journey to the Promised Land! The sooner they get there, the sooner they can start reaping the benefits of God’s covenant, right? So why stop everything one day in seven?
o Because that ONE DAY is different from all the others; God calls it “HOLY” – and if you remember from last week, the word “holy” means “of a different sort or substance altogether.” We observe the Sabbath because whether we acknowledge it or not, it is a DIFFERENT day than the other six.
o Sabbath establishes for us a divine rhythm; a spirit-led dance through each day, and when we reach the point of Sabbath, we are to take note. This day is different from all other days.


Sabbath connects us with the Creator
Sabbath reminding us that God created us, and that God sustains us: “on the seventh day, God rested”
o The first lesson God sought to teach the Hebrews after freeing them from slavery in Egypt was that of Sabbath: he sent food from heaven, only enough for each day, except for the day before Sabbath, where he sent enough for two days so they could rest
o It is by the Sabbath that knowledge of God and a relationship with him is acquired; and it is a sign that identifies his people, as distinguished from those who are not his people
o There is also a danger in NOT keeping the sabbath holy:
o Eugene Peterson, “Christ plays in ten thousand places”: If there is no Sabbath- no regular and commanded not-working, not-talking — we soon become totally absorbed in what we are doing and saying, and God’s work is either forgotten or marginalized. When we work we are most god-like, which means that it is in our work that it is easier to develop god-pretensions. Un-sabbathed, our work becomes the entire context in which we define our lives. We lose God-consciousness, God-awareness, sightings of resurrection. We lose the capacity to sing “this is my fathers world” and end up chirping little self-centered ditties about what we are doing and feeling.

Sabbath is a day of rest
o In Hebrews 4, it is written that there is a difference between getting rest and getting SABBATH rest: that many have ignored the provision for rest to their great peril. In v. 9, the writer distinguishes between “rest” (katapauo=”with pause” or “ceasing”) and “God’s rest” (sabbatismos=the blessed rest from toils and troubles looked for in the age to come by true worshippers of God)
o It is so often thought that the Sabbath is to be a day to rest from the week behind you; I believe it is to relax and prepare for the week ahead
o Three times in our passage from the gospel of Mark Jesus tried to get away; to get some solitude, some Sabbath. And three times he was denied. The crowds followed them; they wanted miracles! And Jesus had compassion on them. Then they were hungry! Now, let’s not miss the fact that Jesus and his disciples hadn’t eaten either; that’s why they were trying to get away in the first place! So Jesus had to perform the miracle of the loaves and fishes just so everyone would be fed.
o Let’s not miss this crucial fact: Jesus still desired; no, NEEDED rest; he needed Sabbath. So he sent his disciples away, and dismissed the people, and went alone to the hillside.
o What do we get from this? Sabbath rest doesn’t HAPPEN; we must MAKE it happen. We must establish boundaries, both for ourselves and others. Jesus’ compassion could have dictated that he continue teaching, meeting the people’s needs. But HE knew the necessity of following that divine rhythm; he went up the hillside and spent time with His Father.

Which leads me to the final fill-in today:

The Sabbath is for keeping wholly holy.
Have you made intentional, deliberate time to spend with the Father? Trust me, it won’t happen until and unless YOU make it happen.
And here is the Sabbath Challenge:
o Pick a day this week. Turn off the tv, the ipod, the blackberry, the laptop, the phone; dismiss your kids, your spouse, your co-workers, your friends (they CAN get along without you); ignore the laundry, the un-mopped kitchen floor, the trash, the pots, the pans; they will be there when you return
o If you find that just too much of a dis-connect from your world and your way of currently being in the world, start with a mini-sabbath: take a vacation, a fast if you will, from something that takes an inordinate amount of your time: if it is facebook, or twitter, or TV, or golf or food; whatever it might be, take deliberate time away from that thing. An hour, an afternoon, a 24-hour period; whatever it might be.
o Whether it is a day or an hour, SPEND THAT TIME WITH YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER. Let Him speak to you. If you’re not sure what to do in that time, imagine what Jesus must have done up on that hillside. Find that rest with just as much fervency as you keep the other commandments; just as you resist stealing or murdering or committing adultery, KEEP THE SABBATH WHOLLY HOLY.
o The key is to keep those moments fiercely guarded; for we have heard the danger of keeping our Sabbath UNguarded.

Because if you’re trying to find rest, reflect on these words from St. Augustine:

"Thou hast made us for Thyself O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in Thee."
– St. Augustine